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Don’t know what to say now
Don’t know where to start
I don’t know how to handle
A complicated heart

A trip to Bandung is always emotionally draining. Too many stories has happened, too many memories left to be remembered each time I drive in and out of the city.

Its all started in October 1999. Just few days after I graduated, I started dating a girl who were studying in Bandung. We had a long distance relationship. Almost every month she will come to Jakarta, to visit her parents and me. Every 3 months, I will go to Bandung, and spent few days. We explored the city, and made memories to more pristine Bandung in the early 2000s.

You tell me you are leaving
But I just have to say
Before you throw it all away

She graduated in 2004, and move back to Jakarta with her parents. And then everything started to changes. Probably our romantic relationship works better as a long distance relationship. So that we treasure the time that we have together. When we live in the same city, we value our time less, and get ourself busy with our own stuff. It is clear the the relationship started to break apart once we live in the same city.

And it all culminated in May 2005, when she told me that she wanted to break up and end the relationship. I didn’t argue anything, because deep inside, I know it was the right thing to do. Even today I still think that it was the right thing to do. The relationship had no future.

Even if you want to go alone
I will be waiting when you’re coming home
And if you need someone to ease the pain
You can lean on me, my love will still remain

The lyrics above from Michael Learns to Rock’s Complicated Heart is exactly the things that I would like to tell her when we broke up, and even today when we finally had a chance to chat. It was her mother’s memorial service, who passed away 2 days ago. It wasn’t love as a lover that I would like to offer, but a love as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, and help to ease the pain.

Those words are still left unspoken. As I drove alone back to Jakarta, I think there are words that are better left unspoken. Maybe, someday in the future, when I met her in a better time, and in a right situation.

One of the most important thing stressed during our pre-wedding preparation course is that, the purpose of people to get married is to be happy. We couldn’t agree more. In fact, it shouldn’t be only the purpose of marriage, but the purpose of what we do in life. So, what limits the happiness a person can have?

I found the answer when reading an article here (in Bahasa). It is called: RESPONSIBILITY.

Many books said that happiness is depends on how you define it. Some found happiness through expensive bags, travelling, shoes, 3000 cc cars, or maybe doing charity. Responsibility however, is defined by people around you. Spitting in Singapore is considered irresponsible, and subject to fine. But in China, it is perfectly acceptable.

So, why does responsibility limits happiness? Some people might found happiness by driving well over speed limit. But does it feel responsible from other’s? Some found happiness by drinking a lot of alcohol, but when you start harassing people, do you think it is a responsible act? All people getting married with happiness. But when we break our vow for ANY reason, is it an responsible act?

Back to getting married or not, I’m yet to see someone exchanging  wedding vow while crying sadly. It is sure intended for happiness, whether for status, or for the sex. But can you be responsible with your vow? For better or worse, in sickness or health, for richer or poorer… till death do us apart? If your answer is not, then NOT getting married would probably the most responsible decision at the moment.

In our 2 months old of our wedding, we still manage to keep the promise….. Happy 2 months anniversary

This is the outcome of steam-bathing for too long last night :D.

  1. Power
  2. Size does matter
  3. Conquest. Don’t make it too easy for them
  4. Me time, which means sports or car. For me, sports is me doing sports
  5. Being nice looking will get you a boyfriend, but not husband
  6. But please try to look nice. You need to have a boyfriend in order to have a husband
  7. Men like to be pampered, but don’t do that in public. It makes them look less powerful. See number 1
  8. Yes means yes, no means no. No problem means no problem

I’m sitting in the church, waiting for the evening mass to start. The talks I had with mom few hours before won’t slip out of my head. He asked my comment for her friend, which is unhappy with the fact that her daughter is dating a widower.

“He has two kid. And he also live in different city!” my mom said. From her voice and gestures, I can sense some anxiety in her. Although she does not said explicitly, I know that she would also disagree if it happened to her daughter.

The mass has entered to the Liturgy of Word as I continue to think about it. Is there something wrong if you are marrying a widow or widower with kids? What would the religion said? As we get into a reading from Gospel, I recalled that Catholicism forbid a second marriage. A Catholic marriage is once in a lifetime, and only once. But since the widower was not married in Catholic, he is not bind by this rule.

What would be the social consequence by having a spouse or son/daughter in law, who were married before? “People will think that you are so bad, ugly, that you nobody single would want to marry you”, my mom said what her friend told her. I’m also sure that she also share her friend’s thought. In the old days, somehow people treat it like a sin if you married a widow/widower. But in these day, people might be more open, or just don’t care if you married a single or divorced. Except maybe for friends of their parents, being raised with the antique mindset.

We were given a blessing at the end of the Mass, and I drove my car home. On the road, I started thinking: “What would I do if it is my daughter? Will I give my blessing?”. Given my circle of friends – I have 2 friends dating a widow – I won’t let the widow/single status to cloud my judgment for the spouse of my kids. A great man, or woman, will still be a great person regardless of the status. Great person also made mistake sometime.

I retired to my sleep with a little prayer: “Bless my friend, may You give her what is the best according to You. And also bless me in the future, should I face the same condition” – Amen….

I have a question that nagging me for the last couple weeks. Question which should be asked to a friend, yet I can’t find the right time to ask it. The problem is that whatever the answer is, it might bring no good for me.

If the answer is ‘yes’, I’m not sure whether I still get what I wanted, or I will only get a delusion from the past, and repeating the same fault I’ve done.

If the answer is ‘no’, well, nothing happens. It just stated that the existing situation is the best, and nothing should be changed.

Probably I should keep the question for myself….

I’ve broke up with her 1,5 years. I also heard the news that she had a new boyfriend. I myself also had some women come and go. Nothing went to serious relationship though, mostly because they’re coming at a wrong time, when I did’t prepare to start a new relationship.I’m saying to my close friends that, I don’t want her anymore, at least not in the near future, but I guess I can’t trick myself. Some part of me still wants her, not in our last few months, but in our early years. And then, people change, so I guess I’m in no-hope situation here to get the old her.

Nevertheless, that information from my friends would never prepare me to see her with her new boyfriend. Still feel weird and awkward. I guess I had to get used to it and move on. Move from deep inside my heart, something which is really not easy.

Most people, man or woman, when asked such question will answer: NO. One of my friend even add that, if she try to be romantic towards her husband, he will gave a strange look and said: “What’s wrong with you?”

I once have a girlfriend, and sometimes, I manage to be romantic to her, even though I consider myself not as a romantic person. “When you are married, it all will be different” some of my married friend said. The question is, does your love live has become an ordinary unquestioned day-to-day routine, that, when your spouse try to do a romantic act, you will gave him/her a strange look and said: “What’s wrong with you?”

Is it the essence of marriage, to make an eternal bind that, you feel no need for a surprise to express your love? That you spouse should always love you, without you need to do anything, because both of you are bind by eternal marriage? Certainly doesn’t look like a happy life for me.

In the spirit of Valentine Day, if you think yourself not a romantic person, think again. If you still love your spouse, the romantic side is in you, and love will light it up. But if you think your spouse will gave you a strange look, then maybe both of you should do a self reflection…. is love really still exist?

Happy Valentine Day…